No matter the situation, knowing what you want to communicate is vital. I often encounter would be communicators who are quick to determine they need a message to deliver – in an email, on a conference call, during a panel discussion, at a town hall meeting, or as a keynote speaker. But often, these communicators don’t have a real handle on what it looks or sounds like. More difficult is coming up with a message that is complete sentence.
I will offer you this: the science of message delivery is perfected by targeting 11 words. (11 words.)
A high-quality message has direction, perspective; it is declarative. For our message to stick, it needs to be repeatable. That means it needs to be concise. Over the past four years, I have spent more than a few hours counting the words in the most effective messaging that I have developed, that has been developed by clients or that I’ve seen in the wild. Every one of those uses declarative, descriptive language – and averages 11 words. This is especially true when we are communicating verbally.
This is my philosophy on message development: If you had to boil your presentation, speech, meeting, hallway conversation…whatever…down to one sentence, what would it be? Getting your message short makes it easily repeatable…a critical element for audience retention.
Just about every time I introduce the idea to a client, there is some pushback about 11 words not being able to express everything she or he would like. But the message doesn’t need to carry every bit of information. Many messages are crammed with support points or storytelling. The message only needs to serve as a headline. And when you start thinking of it that way – start accepting the message rarely, if ever, stands by itself – conciseness becomes clearer.
To be effective in communications, you need to be concise. (10 words.)
While Nobel Prize recipient Richard Feynman was teaching at Cal Tech, he asked if a cataclysm where all the scientific knowledge was destroyed, where only one sentence passed on to the next generations of creatures, what would be the sentence that contains the most information in the least number of words? He posited the atomic hypothesis:
“All things are made out of atoms – little particles that move around or are in perpetual motion, attracting each other when they are some distance apart, but repel being squeezed into one another.” (33 words.)
Shorter: “Everything’s made of atoms in perpetual motion attracting each other when apart, but resisting being squeezed together.” (17 words.)
Your business enterprise likely can’t be characterized in one short phrase. There are multiple objectives, activities and values that need to be expressed. But the message doesn’t need to carry all that information. It needs to synthesize what that information means to your audience. You’ll have proof points and storytelling content that provide greater context and depth. But what is the primary element you want your audience to recall?
Take a look at this message:
“Genpact’s continued investments in digital technology, combined with its geography-specific risk advisory councils that add to its domain expertise, help financial institutions transform operations to drive more strategic business impact.”
That is basically a paragraph.
“Genpact’s investments in digital technology help financial institutions transform operations and strategically impact business.” (14 words.)
How about this message from Jacqueline Novogratz of global non-profit Acumen:
“The only way to end poverty and make it history is to build viable systems on the ground that deliver critical and affordable goods and services to the poor in ways that are financially sustainable and scalable.” (37 words.)
Better:
“To end poverty, we need viable, sustainable and scalable systems on the ground.” (13 words.)
Some other excellent examples of concise messaging:
“Clariant is committed to innovation, R&D and a focus on sustainability.” (11 words.)
“The U.S. Army will always be excellent stewards of taxpayer dollars.” (11 words.)
“McDonald’s is making significant changes that are important to our customers, our people and the environment.” (16 words.)
“Our technology will help you better understand your customers.” (9 words.)
“Our experience in real estate conversion is unmatched.” (8 words.)
Often, I am working with a client on messaging to be used in various strategic communications settings: media outreach, analyst meetings, internal communications, among others. In the last month alone, however, I have listened as individuals from a pair of major corporations fell back on the company slogan – or tagline – as a message.
And while taglines – defined as a short, often catchy phrase that fully captures an organization’s mission or spirit – work great in advertising, they fall short of scope and gravitas in every other form of strategic communications.
While a tagline can reflect messaging, a tagline is not a message. (12 words.)
In a media interview, a spokesperson is not doing much to express the breadth of a new product or partnership or providing deep insight to its mission or its services by spouting: “Fly the friendly skies” or “Empowering technology” or “Have it your way” or “The power of dreams.” In fact, I’ll bet you can only ID two of the four companies represented there.
No. A message needs to be concise and declarative, like a tagline, but it needs to also state a business objective clearly. It needs to not only satisfy the audiences’ “want,” but make a good argument for the “why.” Unlike a 30-second ad, other strategic communications environments require a little more context.
Key words from a tagline may make their way into a message. In fact, it is a great way to ensure recall of critical descriptive language. But a message provides greater depth for all critical audiences.
The WNYC-FM show and podcast “RadioLab,” in April of 2020, explored the idea of what would be the one sentence various individuals would leave behind.
“You will die, and that is really the most important thing.” – Caitlin Doughty, writer and mortician
That is a declarative 11 words.
_______
Steve Johnson
Principal
SJConnects Strategic Communications
First of all, let me suggest you to read all the article which is very interesting. Beyond that, you might also be interested to some practical tools about formulation of the right questions in the coaching session.
Article by
Dr. Mouna Ben Meftah, Master Degree in Semiotics. Expert in Intercultural Marketing and Communications
When it comes to coaching, it is common practice to identify its founding father in Whitmore, who conceived the GROW model through collaboration with Gallwey (in turn the theorist of the Inner Game method, according to which performance derives from the difference between individual potential and interference internal and external).
However, it is necessary to remember here that coaching has much more ancient origins, traceable already in maieutic thought: Socrates considered the use of dialogue and the formulation of questions to be the method of choice through which to guide the disciple.
To bring to light those truths which, unknowingly, were already present in himself.
Similarly, the coaching method aims to make the individual aware of their abilities through a path in which the coach supports the coachee in enhancing and explaining their resources.
This thought, in reality, is present to a certain extent in the life of each of us; stopping to reflect, we would probably all be able to identify a figure who, in the course of our life, has helped us to make these paths of awareness through active listening and the formulation of the right questions.
In my experience, the person who allowed me to reach this awareness was undoubtedly my grandmother, who, partly unconsciously, used techniques very close to Socratic thought and the GROW model identified by Whitmore.
To date, I am defined by others as a strong person, determined, capable of making decisions and with a great awareness of himself; it is my grandmother that I have to thank for becoming today the person I am, who has done nothing but support me in the path of acquiring awareness about my potential and my limits.
We all have these potentials within us, but not all of us have been lucky enough to have a person able to help us recognize them; the figure of the coach was born to support and guide individuals in this path of self-discovery, through the use of specific techniques and models, within a human and empathic relationship, which leads to the growth of the coachee.
Actually, the English verb “to grow up” in Italian means to grow and actually the application of the Whitmore model allows growth of the coachee, bringing to light new awareness, such as a grandmother does with her granddaughter.
Whitmore’s GROW model, widely used today as it is considered one of the most effective within coaching, owes its name to the acronym of the four elements considered by the Author as fundamental, namely Goal, Reality, Options and Will.
We can often find these four characteristics also within our interpersonal relationships when we compare ourselves with someone dear to us to ask him for advice regarding a situation that temporarily causes us a crisis of self-governance or prevents us from thinking clearly about actions to be put in place to resolve the same effectively.
For example, I fondly remember the visits I made to my grandmother as a child, during which I confided my worries and anger to her.
Through the right questions, she guided me towards a reflection that would help me better understand my states of mind and decide how to behave, making me feel very relieved.
In coaching, this aspect is called “mobility” and represents both the main responsibility of the coach and the aim to aim for during the session.
The coach must in fact work, through the formulation of precise questions, with the aim of making the coachee find mobility again.
Lost, that is, the drive to act necessary to restore the equilibrium cracked by the crisis of self-government.
Therefore, while the achievement of the set goal is the coachee’s responsibility, it is instead the coach’s responsibility to achieve the mobility necessary to pursue the goal itself.
Affirming that the achievement of the goal is the sole responsibility of the coachee is equivalent to saying that the coach must not act in his place, replacing the latter in achieving the goal, but must limit himself to allowing him to regain the mobility temporarily lost.
Once again, my grandmother’s behavior comes to mind: she has never interfered in a quarrel between my mother and me, for example, by taking my side, but has always limited herself to helping me reflect on the situation, leaving me the task of making the decisions that I felt were most right and acting in that direction.
Similarly, the coach must support the coachee in this process but then leave him free to work independently and not replace him in achieving the goal, which, as already mentioned, is the sole responsibility of the coachee.
The first aspect identified by Whitmore concerns the “Goals,” which in Italian we can identify as the “objectives”: the definition of them represents the starting point of each coaching session, that is to define the purpose and the objective that the coachee wants.
Reach through the path.
These objectives can be short, medium or long term; the important thing is that they have some fundamental characteristics, summarized in the acronym
S.
M.
A.
R.
T.
E.
R.
Specific: the objectives identified must be clear, defined and concrete.
Extremely vague or generic objectives could hinder the success of the intervention.
The definition of a goal is the basis of the entire work, which is why if it is not clear, the quality of the intervention is affected, not guaranteeing the achievement of the same.
It frequently happens that the coachee arrives in session with extremely generic and undefined objectives in mind, which is why it is the task of the coach to guide him towards their correct specification.
Measurable: another fundamental characteristic is that a goal must be measured, monitored and reported.
When some types of objectives are clearly defined (for example, improving academic performance in mathematics), this characteristic is implicit.
In contrast, for others, it may be necessary to determine the evaluation parameters.
This means that every objective, regardless of its nature, to be valid must have an explanation both of the parameters that will be measured (the “what” to measure) and the modalities through which this measurement will be carried out (the how to measure).
Also in this case, the coach’s fundamental task is to stimulate reflection in the coachee regarding the correct definition of these parameters, on the basis of which the success or failure of the intervention will subsequently be assessed.
Attainable (feasible): the goal to be set must respond to the characteristics of its feasibility.
It must actually be possible to achieve it to avoid frustration and alienation on the part of the coachee.
To identify the actual feasibility, it is essential to understand which factors could affect the goal itself and which environmental or situational influences may arise between the individual and his purpose.
It is necessary to keep in mind the difficulties that may occur and identify possible solutions to guarantee the project’s feasibility.
The goal, however, must be modulated on individual needs, since based on these the same task can be considered by different subjects “too easy” and therefore dull, or “too difficult” and thus a cause of anxiety and stress.
Relevant: another fundamental characteristic of a correctly formulated goal is that it possesses emotional relevance for the coachee; this is necessary because, on the contrary, it will never be able to be satisfied and satisfied with a job that does not matter to him.
No goal can be considered functional if there is no motivational basis of interest in achieving it.
Time-bound (Thunderstorms): the goal must be well organized at a temporal level and programmed by not too long timelines.
It would be better not to exceed one year in duration, in order not to cause anguish and anxiety in the coachee, but if it were too long and complicated, it would be good to break it down into various sub-objectives that can be pursued through shorter steps.
Ecological: the objectives must be designed compatibly with the wishes and needs of the individual, as well as compatibly with the environmental variables that can affect their success.
Furthermore, an objective must inextricably respect the culture and values of the coachee.
Register: that is, the goal must be monitored throughout the course in order not to lose contact with it and with the steps that lead to its realization.
It is vital to keep every step under control and not lose sight of the initial focus, remaining linked to reality and awareness, not only of oneself, but also of what you want and how to achieve your dreams.
Once again, the importance of setting goals according to these parameters reminds me that when, during visits to my grandmother, I told her that I felt disheartened due to an argument with my mother and said, for example, “no, enough, I don’t want to lead this life anymore! ” she always told me “but this is not a solution.
What is it that you would like to change specifically? What concrete problem do you want to solve? ” encouraging me to look for a possible concrete resolution.
Unknowingly, through her questions, my grandmother pushed me to reflect on what I wanted and to frame the goal so that I could work to achieve it.
The second aspect at the basis of the GROW model is “reality”, that is reality, one of the cornerstones of coaching, since it reminds the person not to detach from it, keeping in mind all the variables that can come into play, understanding whether the situation is whether or not it is controllable or if there are influences that could interfere with the lens.
At this stage, it is essential to guide the coachee in a reflection on their current situation, starting from the analysis of existing facts; in addition, it is also necessary to recognize the existence of several factors (opinions, prejudices, judgments, etc.
) which implicitly influence the vision of reality.
Just as my grandmother calmed my anger during my outbursts, inviting me to reflect more on the current situation and to question myself about the factors that could amplify it at that moment by clarifying it in my mind, in the same way the coach must try to take the necessary detachment to formulate the right questions that can push the coachee to be as objective as possible during this evaluation.
For example, I remember that my grandmother often asked me, “what did you do to achieve what you wanted? Have you talked to your mom? “….
“Options”, which is the third aspect of the GROW model represents the definition of obstacles and the ways to pursue the goal, therefore what and how can be done, what different options you have to achieve the same goal and what resources you have to arrangement.
The coach’s questions in this phase will be aimed at stimulating reflection on the possibilities of action to achieve the set goal.
Returning to my memories, my grandmother often asked me, “what can you do to solve this problem? What strategies do you have at your disposal? ” helping me think about what options I had at my disposal to effectively resolve the problem situation.
“Will” which indicates the will, is identifiable in answer to the questions “When”, “What”, “Where”, “Who” and “How” and therefore “when” to start working towards one’s goal, “what” to do to reach the goal, “where” and “with whom” to work and “in what way” in terms of resources and concrete methods.
In this phase, the aspects examined previously are concretized, making them converge in the path that the coachee will have to implement.
Similarly, compared to the frequent quarrels with my mom, my grandmother always asked me, “When do you want to talk to your mother? What do you want to tell her? How do you want to talk to her? ” and thanks to them I was able to focus my attention on the individual actions that I wanted to do to achieve my goal.
Following these steps and making sure to be accompanied by a coach throughout the course makes sure that the subject is aware of what he can do, remaining faithful to a state of reality without setting himself abstract or unattainable goals, but rather programmed and realistic.
Having in mind a goal that possesses these characteristics will allow the subject to have satisfaction and fulfillment in carrying it out, abandoning that sense of discouragement and frustration that characterizes random and uncertain purposes.
With this in mind, a coach represents the guide that allows you to define desires and accompanies them towards their realization with clarity and awareness.
Indeed, when I left my grandmother’s house, thanks to her questions and the consequent reflections she stimulated in me, I remember that I was able to see the situation differently and knew better how to act.
The model developed by Whitmore is very effective and, if applied correctly, allows to concretely help those who turn to a coach to achieve functional objectives; moreover, this model can also be effectively applied in daily life, outside of a coaching session, representing a great resource that each of us can count on, as the memories of chats with my grandmother show.
However, if not applied within a welcoming, empathic and never judgmental relationship, even if perfectly respected, it will never lead to the desired results.
This is because the fundamental condition for applying, not only the GROW model but in general the tools used in coaching, is the existence of an authentic, sincere, empathic, engaging and non-judgmental relationship between coach and coachee.
In particular, it should be emphasized importance for the coach to refrain from any form of judgment so that the coachee feels free to express himself without censorship and constraints, allowing him to speak openly about any topic he wishes during the session.
If we think about it, this non-judgmental aspect unites all grandmothers, conventionally considered.
those who protect their grandchildren and are always available to welcome them about their fears and their desires.
Regarding my childhood, I remember that I never felt completely comfortable.
opening up to my mom, probably because of her extreme severity; in fact, she has always imposed very strict rules on me and I, probably for fear of her possible punishment, have never been able to speak to her openly, telling her everything that came to my mind without any filter.
Probably this was also partly because I felt scarcely welcomed by my mother: for example, there was the rule of not entering the house with shoes, which were always stored near the door.
On the contrary, I remember with deep affection that my grandmother never judged my thoughts, my behaviors or my choices, nor did she ever impose anything on me, on the contrary leaving me free to decide for me; for these reasons, I much preferred to confide in her, who never made me feel judged.
Unlike my mom, my grandmother never imposed anything on me, making me feel very welcome: for example, I remember that she never told me where to put my shoes and she never forced me to leave them out, telling me every time I could decide I what to do.
Likewise, the coach during a session should try to make the coachee feel comfortable; it is crucial to avoid any kind of judgment, as it would risk inhibiting the latter from expressing himself freely, just as it happened to me with my mother.
The story of the place to store shoes also refers to one of the fundamental aspects of the coaching sessions: Hospitality.
It is the coach’s task to convey to the coachee, through behaviors such as leaving the latter the freedom to use the space as he prefers and to establish an empathic and solid relationship over time, the feeling of being accepted for what he is, without any judgment and bond.
It was not only the absence of rules that made me perceive this climate of deep trust and affinity with my grandmother but also her willingness to pay total attention to my stories, an aspect that I could notice from her comments and never improper considerations, similar to the fundamental use of feedback and active listening techniques by the coach during the sessions.
– The GROW model is inscribed within a broader framework that cannot be simply summarized in the points described above but, on the contrary, also includes the use of these two fundamental tools: feedback, (which is different from advice, an opinion and/or a judgment) that leads to comparison and active listening, that is a listening capable of paying attention to what the other reports to us through different channels, refraining from judging its contents.
As we listen, we know that every word or sentence does not exist alone but is part of pre-existing mental networks and knots, which are touched by communication.
Each message that touches a point inside a network of meanings stimulates the meanings close to that point.
Messages that pass through cognitive networks and belief systems can change the structure of the network itself.
Powerful questions can change your mind. Not only they can help us explore people’s inner worlds, but they can also change them by helping the client increase his/her own self-awareness. Receiving the permission/request to ask them, as happens in psychotherapy sessions, is enough.
Here below you can find some examples of powerful questions, but be aware that they must be used wisely, with professional attitude, and only after receiving the client’s permission:
How long have you not felt happy?
What is the atmosphere in your home?
What do you think is possible and what do you think is impossible in your life?
What stage are you living in your life?
What have you not yet dealt with in your life?
What gives life meaning to you?
How soon would you like to feel happy?
What’s the worst thing that doesn’t have to happen in your life?
What were the worst moments of your life?
Why did we get there?
How long have you not felt carefree?
Who do you feel good with?
When do you feel good?
What are the people who give you energy and those who take away that energy from you?
Do you feel capable of planning your future?
Do you usually plan something in the day, week, month, year, several years, ever?
What is the worst offense they could cause you?
What does an existential refuge represent for you? Where do you go to heal yourself?
What would you like to do in life before you die?
How do you feel in the presence of X? (Where X is a significant person)
What do you need to pay attention to most, in order to improve your life?
Do you think you have the strength to change something in your life?
You told me that sometimes you feel like you are in a blender (reformulation). When exactly does it happen, in what situations?
Are there victims of your actions or behaviours or ways of doing things?
Who or what do you care most about in life?
If you had a magic wand and you could make 3 wishes, what would they be?
What are the quiet moments in which you regenerate?
Are they enough?
What are the confusing moments in your life?
Do you feel that you always have the right energy to face all the situations?
What is worth fighting for in life, in your opinion?
What are you fighting for?
How many energies do you have when you get up in the morning?
How are your energies when you go to sleep, what are the prevailing thoughts?
In which moments do you feel more outgoing and in which more introverted?
What is the thing that would make you say “I did it!”?
What battles did you give up?
What are the 2 most negative and the 2 most positive aspects about yourself, in your opinion?
What would a “plan B” be all right for your life? What options are there?
When did you feel hurt?
When did you feel happy beyond all limits?
If we could identify a micro-action already feasible today or tomorrow, what would that be?
Some of these questions can be asked with special mental training techniques, while lying down with your eyes closed, but this requires a special type of training, because trying to read yourself deeply is not easy and, in that condition the complexity of your inner world increases, and so do the emotional responses, including emotions that lead to crying, anger, suffering, joy, etc.
Being able to manage these reactions requires special training, at least a counselling course or an advanced coaching course.
Releasing these responses and the emotions that accompany them is good, since it breaks the “Spiral of Silence” which, like a disease, suffocates people, companies, organizations and entire societies.
Please note that these questions are specifically used in coaching, counselling, therapy, leadership, and other professional situations involving adults. They should not be used “just to try” especially in family environments and with children or adolescents who are unable to metabolize the emotional weight that these questions create.
Beliefs are the engine of behaviour. Beliefs can be useful (e.g., if I eat fruit and vegetables, it will be good for me) or lethal (e.g., If I drive fast, nothing will happen to me).
Listening to beliefs means looking for convictions (rooted beliefs or peripheral beliefs) that the interlocutor consciously or unconsciously expresses. In fact, beliefs are partly conscious, but largely unconscious, not verbalized. Like a swirling wind, beliefs surround people and offer no room to look beyond. If I watch a person lift a barbell, I can think that he has nothing else to do or that he wants to hurt himself, or else I can try to understand why he does it. Most likely, that mechanical gesture – in his view of things – has the purpose of stimulating muscle, burning fat, getting a better physical shape. This way he will like himself more until finally accepting himself. Welcome, we are in a gym. Now, that physical gesture makes sense. At least part of the total sense. But if we ask this person what he is doing, he will hardly say “I want to be more seductive and self-realized“. On the contrary, he will probably say: “I’m working out to stay fit”. We can therefore say that, behind every word or action that we observe (means), there is a purpose that we can discover (end). The Means-End Chain is the basic mechanism through which value is created.
Let’s look at an analysis carried out in relation to the product “lean yoghurt”.
The chain in the picture shows several “promises” (on the right) that the customer perceives associated with as many “states” of the product (on the left), up to the point that they become values.
We note:
a concrete attribute (low percentage of fat);
a more intangible and derived attribute connected to it (abstract attribute: fewer calories);
functional consequences (weight loss);
psychosocial consequences (higher social acceptance);
instrumental values (greater self-confidence, increased self-confidence or self-confidence);
Terminal and deeper values of the individual: the increase of self-esteem.
The analysis of the Means-End Chains highlights a critical point: listening to words means nothing if they remain disconnected from the semantic spheres (areas of meanings) and from the emotions behind them.
At least 5 “Why” questions are needed to reach a terminal value, and sometimes even more.
Being aware of the means-end-chains is also essential for asking deep questions in an active listening approach.
The low-fat content of a yoghurt is not positive or negative, it can be both: for a bricklayer who needs the energy to tackle a strenuous job, a low calorific value is absolutely negative, while for a model stuffed with mental images of thinness, obsessed with staying in shape, is a positive element. The chain exposed above can be one of the several chains that can create a semantic value of the product, but what is more important is that it is subjective. We can also make mistakes trying to understand it, especially when we try to fill the gaps with our personal beliefs.
Knowing how to listen deeply means coming to realize why people do what they do, finally understanding their means-end chains. We won’t be able to guide a person in a change until we can understand the active means-end-chains, because we are like boats looking for an island surrounded by fog. Being able to listen to the means-ends chains, on the other hand, means shedding light on the reasons behind certain behaviours. This technique is also essential for “cultivating motivation” during coaching sessions, which means unleashing motivation towards positive goals. Because deep and active questions are never neutral towards destiny: questions change people.
Listening while having prejudices is a wrong starting point. I call this “filtered listening” and it is normal, even natural. It happens every day. We judge any news that we hear based on our values and that’s even right.
If we want to practice an active listening, thinking that the person we are listening to has exactly our value filters and mind maps is wrong. We must not take his/her answers for granted, and we must not get irritated when those answers are not what we expected or what we wanted them to be. They are not the answers we would have given. Active listening must always be neutral.
In the flow of communication, we can hear something that will inevitably go against some of our opinions, values and more solid principles.
As soon as this “against” data emerges, there’s the risk of becoming rigid and we may stop listening. On the other hand, it is essential for an advanced listener to know how to “suspend judgment” while listening to the entire communication flow, by postponing the “judgment phase” until it is time to do so.
Every powerful question is like a goal hitting into the other party’s mind: if it gets blocked or doesn’t work, we might get angry. Let’s listen to our emotions without getting affected by them. Let’s move on: nobody is perfect but everyone can improve, even in listening.
Listening in the Cloud
Participating in listening means suspending our mental rumination and practicing mindfulness, bringing our mind “there” to listening. It means just listening while turning off all other thoughts.
Listening “in the Cloud” is a type of listening practiced while our mind gets lost in thought, losing the focus.
It basically consists in letting the words heard rumble in your head. It is normal that, while we listen, thoughts, memories, reflections come up. Equally normal is that internal reverberations can be created due to what we hear and other thoughts.
All these thoughts can form a “cloud of thoughts” that completely absorbs our attention. In this way, our attention becomes self-centred – directed only towards ourselves – and we stop listening, even if the other “emits” words, these do not enter in our mind, becoming pure background noise.
This “listening in the Cloud” can and must be interrupted by:
moments of brief reformulation (so you were in Rome, right?),
questions (in which area of Rome?),
moments of recapitulation (If I understand correctly the story went like this …)
non-verbal head movements (e.g., when we understand a concept we can say yes with the head, which does not mean that we agree but only that we have understood what our interlocutor is saying)
short paraverbal punctuation (e.g., ah, uhm, ok) – paralinguistic messages serve as punctuation.
The absence of background noises or distractors such as televisions, telephones, chats, and other disturbing elements, is fundamental. It is also possible to openly say: “I’m getting lost, you talked about David, and then what?”
We can say without a doubt that at the basis of a communication/listening in the cloud there are chaos, mental disorder, an entropy state (degradation of a system towards chaos) where we are not able to understand each other.
On the contrary, an active listening can produce a greater information order, it can pull out information, data, signals, emotions, and give them an order to create meaning. Not a small job.
Empathic listening, by nature, is a process against chaos, entropy and the confusion of signals and meanings.
Given the complexity and variety of cases and situations, it is normal to think that, when we ask a question or listen to someone, our mind stays open to whatever information comes in.
Actually, we can make the following prevalent mistakes.
We just listen to confirm that we are right. Issues of cognitive dissonance in us and in the client
I called this type of listening “confirmatory listening“, meaning that it only seeks confirmation of being right: the act of listening becomes only a formality before deciding that, just as we thought, we were quite right.
This type of listening discards much of the incoming information, and, above all, it does not capture those dubious signals that people send out through micro expressions, body gestures and facial expressions that can communicate disapproval, disgust, or surprise.
It is well known that people carefully avoid exposing themselves to information sources that can disturb their cognitive balances, leading to cognitive dissonances.
The concept of Cognitive Dissonance was introduced by Leon Festinger and mainly used in social psychology to describe a particular mental processing, where one’s own beliefs, notions and opinions related to a certain topic are in contrast with each other.
Sometimes we don’t want to know, or we literally prefer not to know something that would alter what we think is true and right.
Listening to people and their cognitive dissonances is a fundamental exercise.
Repeating in front of a client a dissonance exactly as it emerged opens the doors to a deep change: e.g., “if I understand correctly, you said that X …, but now you say that Y …“, where X and Y are two conflicting statements made by the same person, who does not realize the existing conflict.
Of course, the same goes for us. When we discover a cognitive dissonance in us, we must examine it, asking for professional support, like coaching, counselling or therapy, because “holding in the dissonances” means “holding in mental confusion and pain”.
Beliefs are something that a person possesses and feels, more than material goods.
Let’s imagine asking a person “what do you think of natural yoghurt”? without really knowing anything about that person, never having met him/her before.
You might answer “good”, but in reality, what the concept “natural yoghurt” evokes is something far more complex. And are we satisfied with that answer or do we want to analyse it deeply? If we are market researchers, we might be very interested in understanding which “worlds” are hidden behind a word; but it must happen the same even if we are coaches, counsellors or researchers.
In everyday life, in many cases answering “good” might be enough. I know for example that I can put it in the shopping cart if we have to go on a trip together. But I don’t really know why.
In this scheme – a true mind map that shows what is evoked in a person’s mind when he/she thinks of “natural yoghurt” – we can observe the great complexity behind it.
How much of this complexity will we be able to grasp? It depends on our listening skills. This example, mind you, serves as a metaphor. It is necessary to understand that behind words there are “semantic worlds”, “worlds of meanings”. Yoghurt is just an excuse to understand how the mechanism works.
The mental maps that hide behind words are what interests us, our research. From infinite shades, up to entire universes of meaning that hide in the folds of words.
And are we really interested in grasping them? It depends. Sometimes it may not interest us, sometimes, especially in companies, it may become what makes the difference between understanding a customer and selling, and not understanding him/her and not selling. The difference between failure and success.
In the example shown below – resulted from a Danish research carried out among a sample of consumers – we highlight the semantic network that is associated with a specific product, the whole milk yoghurt.
This is literally “what is on that person’s mind”, his/her “semantic network”. And this is the concept that interests us, beyond yogurt.
A belief is an idea about “how things work” that is accepted as being true or real.
The semantic networks linked to the “traditional non-skimmed product” are far from a simple food evaluation. In fact, that product can evoke the “memory of the old days”, a sense of trust that comes from the possibility of having more energy to work hard, a sense of happiness and internal harmony – even though a dissonance between fat content and health can be noted.
If we compare the previous map with that of a much more “problematic” product (e.g., a genetically modified yoghurt) we can understand how perceptual maps allow us to bring out product perceptions and semantic barriers.
The genetically modified product is linked to fears, mistrust, a sense of immorality. “Organic”, psychological evaluative components – such as the dissonance between biological non-naturality and internal harmony -, social and cultural evaluations and the responsibilities for the well-being of humanity come to light: what is my contribution to this purchase? what values do I support?
This choice cannot be related only to the product as “food”, but it takes on a connotation full of cultural, ethical and social values (what do I do while buying? Who do I finance? What are my values and theirs?). Our evaluation process does not depend on the economic value, but it is highly correlated with the symbolic value assumed by the purchase deed. A central topic related to beliefs listening is the awareness of the “active” semantic networks inside the client. Listening to beliefs is also essential to understand what motivates people. Both ordinary people and great champions formulate beliefs, which firstly become paradigms of truth, and after a time, their own reality.
Here is an analysis taken from a video by Eckhart Tolle, to understand the deeep meanings that silence8 can have.
Eckhart Tolle
What lies between words is more important than words. It is not nothingness: it is an energy field. The very fact that you can notice the moments of silence between words means that you are bringing your mental presence to those moments, and that they are significant.
In the moment of pause between sentences, you can allow yourself not to think, and if the gap becomes too long, you will notice that you can think, or you may not even think. This coming and going of thoughts is the most important thing to notice in the whole cycle of a person’s life. The sensations of thinking, of being able to think without losing self-awareness, are rare and noble moments.
From the perspective of an ordinary mind, the silence between words seems almost nothing, nothing at all, something not even comprehensible. However, it is the fundamental moment of being, of the most important form of being, that which is in the background, the non-form that makes up most of ourselves.
The field of awareness encompasses both words and, above all, silence, its meanings, and what emerges during silence, especially what arises from silence: sensory perception, stillness, grounding.
All that matters here is to bring presence to the moments of silence, of apparent emptiness, that makes the words themselves possible. There is a special ability, the ability to stay alert outside the illusion of thought, outside the illusion that leads us to identify with the continuous flow of thoughts.
Maintaining awareness even in moments of silence means gaining self-awareness, the knowledge of existing even without the need for tangible ‘things’, the knowledge of being, no matter what.
Listening to and appreciating silence does not increase knowledge, but it does increase awareness.
Furthermore, active listening knows how to appreciate pauses, silences, how to attribute meaning to them, how to value them, without treating them as ‘lost moments’ or wasted time. They become sacred moments, behind which the deepest meanings are hidden.
In my coaching and counselling sessions I often invite clients to pause for a moment of silence before giving an answer to my question. And very often, this generates completely different, and deeper, responses than the immediate answer.
Very often, precious nuggets are hidden behind a silence, and sometimes silence is the ingredient that brings them out.
When listening, always assume that you will not understand everything perfectly
In this way, you will already know that the techniques of enhanced understanding that we are going to explain will be useful to you.
Whatever we listen to, where there is a need for clarification, we can also ask for confirmation of what we have perceived, in order to be able to adjust it. In fact, we only have the possibility of making hypotheses about what we perceive, hypotheses that it is good to verify at least on the key elements, resorting to specific mechanisms:
Reformulation:I reformulate what I understood and let the interlocutor correct me on what diverges.
Synthesis and recapitulation: Isummarisewhat I understood and ask if it is correct.
Reverberation or Echo: a broader reformulation taking in whole categories, among them:
i.Reverberation of data: make the sum of all the data heard,
Emotional reverberation: adding up all the emotions felt, and what they are associated with,
iii. Belief Map Reverberation or Belief System: add up all the perceived beliefs, which gives back the person’s “way of seeing things”.
Eg: Here in this project we have the following actors: you, your father, the trainer, the course, the CEO, the CFO, the managers. You feel for each one that XYZ. To me, your thought seems to be XYX. Did I understand correctly?
Among the data that we “hear”, there are also non-verbal expressions of self, clothing, a tattoo, haircut, type of shoes, and many other elements. Faced with these elements, the ‘categorisation’, the ‘stereotype’ and the summary and premature judgement may be triggered. I see a person with a floral shirt, shoes without laces, tattoos, I label him as an “alternative leftist” only to discover that he is a Management Consultant instead of the owner of a cannabis shop.
“Happiness is an open mind.
Be careful of your stereotypes and prejudices, they may trap you and make you miss out on what life has to offer.”
Med Yones
In listening, we need to give ourselves time to gather information, compare it with each other, and understand the bigger picture which is only buildable after listening to different aspects of the person, verbal, non-verbal, and unspoken, not just the “packaging of the person”. Listening to beliefs, listening to data, physical observation, observation of emotional states, when they converge, can give us a much broader picture of listening and perception. This is much more technical listening than empathic listening. Empathy consists of placing oneself in the other person’s state of mind to understand him or her. This multilevel listening, on the other hand, is a true mapping and dissection of the communication flow, where the validity and implications of each of the emerging elements are verified. The result can also be collected in a real database.
Listening to Data, Listening to Emotions, Listening to Beliefs
Listening to people we don’t really like is one of the professional challenges we face they have to learn in many professions, such as lawyer, doctor, trainer, psychologist, but also manager and leader. It is neither mandatory nor possible to always have the ideal people in front of us. Learn to also listening to people who do not please us is something that must be learned, even if we want to limit the time and space of this contact.
Empathy, or the art and science of understanding the moods of others, is not something that is due. Sympathy, or the liking of others, is not something due. Instead, we may experience the “need” to interact and listen to people who do not please us, and in this the advanced active listening mechanisms become a professional resource fundamental, and a life resource. Empathy, in psychology, includes identification with moods of another person, i.e. the ability to understand their thoughts and, above all, their emotions. It differs from sympathy for intention in wanting to understand the feelings experienced from another individual, not through a rational explanation, but through a sharing affective. In psychotherapy, the term refers to the therapist’s ability to think and feel himself in the inner life of the patient, to understand him in a deeper way 1. In a different way from what has already been explained, we can distinguish different levels of listening:
The non-listening, the unwillingness to listen, due to a precise decision (“I don’t want that to listen to him “) or the inability for reasons of our tiredness (” I was sotiredthatI could not hear “).
Listening in conditions of mutual appreciation, or sympathetic listening.
A listening aimed at understanding the person in depth, and above all the emotional states of her, o empathic listening.
Listening apathetic, passive, or even distorted, in cases where there is no listening but the person to listen to is unwelcome to the skin or for ideological and cultural reasons.
Those who travel without meeting the other do not travel, they move.
(Alexandra David-Néel)
Human communication is an existential state, where people take action to try to step out of one’s sphere of limited energies and experiences and connect with other entities human.
There are as many worlds as there are living people, for which to relate and practice listening it requires a great deal of humility and commitment. The positive message is that science, and a scientific approach, can help us a great deal in understanding the reasons for communication failures and the ingredients for increase the likelihood of communication successes. We are in a world where it is possible to create exceptional, epochal projects, and if we can do it converge our best energies, every advance in the future of humanity and the planet will be possible.
Our “spheres”, who we are, how we think, how we are made, what and how we live, are living, plastic elements. Listening is very similar to “going to see” what is inside a sphere of others, and how
this evolves. Listening can also do you good. There is a contagious aspect of affective conditions. Self we learn to listen with greater emotional closeness, we will probably become people best. And every better person infects the others around him, positively. The same happens in the negative when we meet people with weak and sick energies. Meet these too people, it’s a professional challenge.
As Wallon 2 points out, “Kohler has noticed that a chimpanzee’s joyous excitement does it spread with the same gestures to all the other chimpanzees. The fear of a single ram changes in panic for the whole flock. The cry of a bird is reflected in a rising wave in the aviary”.
We are in a human aviary, in a human herd of billions of elements housed on the surface of a small blue ball called Earth, scattered in space. For this reason, when we make an intervention aimed at improving listening in a single person, up to a company group or manager, we know that we are bringing humanity, competence and happiness to the system to the entire company and even to those who interact with it, from suppliers to customers. And having happy customers, or happy families, today, is a very serious desire and goal.
There are many things in life that catch the eye, but only a few catch yours heart: follow those.
(Winston Churchill)
Listening can be examined with different zoom levels.
As with a zoom we can first notice a forest, then zoom in on a single plant and notice the large number of leaves, then focus on a single leaf and notice the veins there flow, insects walking on it, and so on. The same is true in listening. We can examine it as a general phenomenon, see it from above, or enter with different degrees of detail. The degree of detail depends on how many variables we want to use to “examine” the listening and the communicative flow. Listening to multiple tracks requires commitment, requires listening quality, but we must be convinced that this commitment to listening will be rewarded by a quality of absolutely greater understanding.
Quality is like a wave. That quality work that you thought no one would notice he is noticed, and whoever sees him feels a little better: he will probably transfer in the others this feeling of his and in this way the Quality will continue to spread.
(Robert M. Pirsig)
In the next step we will see a fairly simple model, with three main variables, listening to data, listening to emotions, listening to beliefs.